As I sit in my kitchen, I see the dark clouds looming. Although I begged for cooler weather, with the drop in temperature comes a drop in happiness. Almost like foreboding, the shadows cast by the clouds start to seep into our souls and we are all agitated. She's upset, feeling overwhelmed. I'm lost, feeling buried beneath my responsibilities. I believed that the Valley of the Sun was immune to weather-inflicted change in emotion, but perhaps I was wrong.

We sit in silence, she, wrapped up in her own worries. I sit here, avoiding the things I know I must face. My mind tells me I need to participate, but the rest of me hears the calling of the bed. I could justify it, but do I? Maybe my mind will win out. I'll go through the motions--I shower, I dress myself well enough to go out but not too much that requires effort, I put on the smile, I carry empty conversations, I ask questions I don't really want to know the answer to. I fulfill my social obligations as a contributing member of society. But every part of me is begging to curl up and disappear for awhile. My social capabilities are starting to lack as I become more content spending time alone. Maybe this is me maturing, discovering that conversations are not unique characteristics. I say this, but I know this is not true. I reveled in a long-distance conversation, the giddiness of seeing my friend stirred in me for hours after. But I return to my present, the here and now, and find no reason to speak. I only speak when spoken to. My skills in the art of small conversation are waning because I no longer put them to use. I stick my nose in a book, or I wonder what is happening miles and miles away.

I blame my reluctance to socialize on the sky. Tomorrow, the sun will be out. Tomorrow, it will warm my insides. Tomorrow, I will want to conquer the world.

But today...I would rather sleep.

Labels: ramblings

0 comments

Post a Comment